tears that seep with alleged purposelessness come from the steam of a restless heart. The soft red glow makes us stop, both machine and body. But the pump of a drum will make you dance. Maybe slow down, regardless of the tempo, and allow the rain to be filled with your nature.
In those brief moments, you will feel.
I cant wait to see your face again
mr glass
there was an agglomeration of thick clouds and ice winds brewing. it was the beginning of Marks sentence in cali, and couple months since i had received a collect call. i got into another scuffle with my mother, i seemed to carry her deafening words under my eyes, heavy and droopy. i stepped out to see my ex again. none of that mattered once absorbed into dimming lights and nostalgic comfy seats at guzzo. a simple fantasy which questions the moral compass of right and wrong, good and evil. conclusively they all lose in the end. none of it really matters as there will always be a cycle of both. however as one of the villains is seen living his last moments, he is held by his mom, who comforts him and supports him till his last breath. the clouds started spilling and the winds froze them over. id be lying if i said i didn’t know. mother nature spilled and it was the first time i could not control it, no matter how hard i tried. sandra felt me suffocating, sniffling, trying hard to keep it together. i looked away at first, but she still felt it. she grabbed the back of my head, and showed me nurture. after i drove her home, i got stuck in that storm i was warned about. stuck on the highway, saint johns, and my street. shovelling with my barehands and sweater, helplessly in the middle of the empty night. parking to my mother standing, waiting with her arms crossed.
there is something so exciting about this movie. it’s tuesday night, and the theatre is alive. part of me feels relief knowing cineplex won’t vanish when people still show up to premiers this way, another part of me is just excited to be surrounded by the same eagerness. the animation, the sound, the colours were all so vivid. the references and humour would have the theatre blown away and bursting in laughter. but at one point, miles gets a speech from his mom, despite being unintentionally mischievous, she shows him such an intense display of love, and mother nature seems to get my ass again. only this time i held her back. the movie ended up being addictively good, luckily inder felt the same way. seeking company to see the movie again, we join tina on her first experience. as we peep the unnoticed minor details, we undergo the motherly love speech again. sitting in those guzzo seats, i feel like im undergoing an intervention from the past. but once again, i have mother nature in a chokehold.
ill spirit
no matter what i fucking do. no matter how many tuna spinach salads ill make myself every morning. no matter how many little vegetable bowls, water gallons, there’s like an itch in my soul for recklessness. its an innate capacity to destroy good behaviour. the deep longing to just smoke a belmont on the balcony and sip a black coffee. the deep desire to break someones cheekbone in a fist fight or hook up with someone i know i shouldn’t. eventually i crack and indulge in the mud, thats just me. but thankfully i pick myself up. (With inders help also)
i find myself looking back at you mostly because i miss the idea of you, and who i was when i was with you. that self feels so far away. i know how to play my cards for a thursday night, but when i get what i desire in that single moment, i don’t look back the way I look back at you after all these years. its so nauseating because i know its not really you. i know it. but it really was the last time i experienced that kind of emotion.
rushes
there was a handful of reasons why it was a bad idea. we just didn’t give a fuck. i wanted to kiss her and i did. when burr took the rest of them out of sight, primitive tensions released. we were bouncing off the walls of the courthouse, empty doorways, and street corners. when burr and the rest walked a few steps ahead, i picked her up and pinned her against the bus stop, and onto the corner of, what was, the central station. it was 4 am on a thursday and it felt like we owned the streets of downtown. the quiet stillness made us feel like we were the only two lovers alive.
